Saying goodbye

Victoria my resilient little girl put on a brave face as we headed to the funeral home.  We intersected Megan in the parking lot and met up with Hunter and Angel as well to go inside.  Everyone was warm and welcoming to us.  It was nice.  Thomas, Tina's husband was very glad to see Victoria.  We all gathered together to go into the room where Tina was.  I kept reassuring Victoria that she didn't have to be brave and that whatever feeling she is feeling is perfectly normal.  The door opened and she froze.  I knelt down to her and put my arm around her.  She didn't want to approach the casket and I didn't push.  I just let her do what she needed to do.  She spent most of her time playing with her brother and sisters. She was very happy to see them.  It was also nice to meet Tina's sister.  Her and I had spoken on the phone multiple times as she informed me of the "real story" on many occasions.  Victoria asked me to take the envelope up to Tina and put it in the casket for her.  I approached alone and just took a minute to take this whole thing all in.  I asked forgiveness, I gave forgiveness and let her go.  Time to close that chapter and begin life in a new light.  Next step is to make legal what has been for the past 3 1/2 years.  I told James I want to adopt Victoria.  I told the family and I have their blessing.  I even talked to Victoria a bit about it and her response was "Yep Mommy, I think that is a good idea."  then leaned over on my arm while I was driving and gave me a kiss.  I think we are going to be alright....

Locked heart/raw heart

Sunday after church we headed up to Victoria's classroom to tell her of the news.  Thank you Karen Dwelligan for the support and being there for Victoria as we told her.  She didn't react much when she was told.  James delievered the news and she just stared blankly.  James gave her a hug and she held onto him.  I got up out of my chair and asked if I could have a hug as well.  She crawled over James and grabbed me very hard.  I ended up knocking over because she was in such a hurry to get to me.  Karen looked at James and said "looks like she wants mom".  I asked for a moment with her alone and they left the room.  As soon as the door shut Victoria began to cry.  She apparently felt she needed to be strong in front of them and was embarrassed to cry.  She only cried for about 2-3 minutes and then flipped her emotion switch and acted as though nothing had happened.  Victoria's way of dealing with things is just shoving it down into the deepest part of her.  I expressed to her that I noticed that she didn't want to cry around other people so when she is needing a minute to just let some of the sad feelings out or she is just wanting to talk about it to grab my hand and squeeze it 3 times and that will be our code for "I need to talk" then we can find someplace quiet to do that.  She seemed to like that idea and has used it since.  Please continue to pray for this fagile little heart.

I am so conflicted by all of this as I am sure you all know that keep up with this.  There is so much to take in and so much to deal with.  Struggling with the sense of relief for finality in this situation for so many people.  We are not the only ones affected by choices made in the past.  Thankful for the 3 years I have had with Victoria and struggling with the resentment that I have felt for those 3 years for having to raise her primarily alone.  If I hadn't had these past 3 years I would be getting Victoria at age 7 and starting at square one with three more years of Tina's influence.  Scared to go into that funeral home and be around the other people in her family.  I have no clue what story they have about me or my home.  I hope that everyone is civil and that everyone is allowed to mourn.  Feel like I am walking into the pack of wolves.  Hunter and Angel and the kids will be with me and they are in the same boat so I won't be alone.  How will Victoria act when she sees her?  I called the funeral home and asked about the service.  I have never been to a funeral with a cremation.  There will be an open casket so she will see Tina.  How will I feel when I see her?  I look back and the arguement that I started with James when he let her see Tina the last time right before our court date. I was livid that we has spent so much money to protect her and then let her see her and getting ready to go to court.  Mad that was the first/only time she asked to see Victoria in two months since the last court date.  Mad that the arguement led to a picture of the two of them being thrown away and now that is a momento of the last time she saw her mom and it is gone.  Thinking about the time that she spent with supervised visitation in our home.  How hard it was to allow her in our enviornment and now looking at that wondering if God used that time to show Tina that Victoria would be ok when she was gone.  Questioning all of the court stuff.  Why it even had to happen.  What was God doing in all of that?  Was that time to separate Victoria to make this final transition easier.  I wonder if Tina had peace?  Did she know God?  Did she ask for forgiveness?  Did she have remorse?  Regret?  She was alone when she died, how sad.  (We were told that it was determined a heart attack) Where do we go from here?  I am so thankful that this will be hopefully one of the last hard conversations Victoria will have to hear for quite some time.  No more back and forth.  No more walking on egg shells.  No more searching for truth in every conversation.  No more anxiety, fear, watching over my shoulder.  No more of Victoria's oldest sister being threatened to keep her distance from us, withhold information, and pretend.  No more being caught in the middle.  Everyone can be without any backlash.  It is time to heal for so many people.  Thank you for listening to my unedited raw heart.  I just needed to get this off of my chest before it eats me up.  Prayers to those suffering and prayers for new beginnings.

First of all thank you for all of the support and prayers that you have sent for us during the troubles that we have had with Victoria's biological mother. We love you all for the love you have sent to us.



I wanted to inform you of the recent status of everything and ask for more prayers. Tina has had health issues starting about 2 months ago. Trouble with her heart and liver. We was unclear of if this information was true or not as truth was rarely something that we received. James allowed Victoria to see Tina the week before our last court date for a few hours and witnessed her heart monitor and her physical well being. She didn't look good. We then knew that these condition to some extent were true.

I received a call yesterday morning from her ex husband (the one that helped us with the trial and has two children by Tina) telling me that Thomas (Tina's current husband) came home from work yesterday and found Tina dead. They were doing an investigation to determine cause of death. Tina has some suicide attempts in recent months and I am still unclear if the cause was health concerns or suicide. Obviously this is really hard news to take and my heart is breaking for Victoria. Not sure how to tell her and how hard she is going to take this. James is home and I believe we are going to tell her together. I am so thankful for her counselor and for God setting that relationship in motion already so that we can get the help we need to get through this.
 
 I wish Tina peace and pray that all those that have been affected by choices made by her can mourn and have peace as well. The funeral is on Tuesday.  Unfortunately James will be out of town working so I will be taking Victoria.  Can you send a prayer up for us?  Victoria will need all of the encouragement that she can get and will need all of the strength I can muster.  This will not be comfortable and is going to toss my emotions all over the place. It was very hard tonight to watch her at the zoo trick or treating knowing what information she will be given tomorrow.  She was so happy that it just broke my heart.  I believe we are going to tell her tomorrow after church with her Elementary Minister.  God please give us the right words to say.  Love you guys!

Stashing

I have always believed that everyone should work at least 6 months each in retail and the restaurant industry.  If you can't hack it then you should be ejected from the earth.  j/k.  I have worked many years in both and have a lot of understanding for stressed out cashiers, stock and servers.  One thing that always drove me nuts when I worked retail is people stashing things in the wrong department.  Drove me nuts! Why not just put it where it belongs?  Does it really take that much effort?  Those were my younger single years.  I know know in my motherhood wisdom that every single stashed item that I had to take back to the original department was from the mother of a toddler.  Now I have my understanding for every stashed toy car, stuffed animal, and box of Hostess cupcakes in the automotive department. 

In my recent obsession of redecorating everything that doesn't move I have been in near every store in the southern Indiana area with my kids. I pack my duffel bag purse with plenty of snacks, books, heck if I could pack Lucy in there to entertain the kids I would but it never seems to be enough for my two in the middle of the bedding at Kohls.  (Side note:  Kohl's is SO NOT double stroller friendly!!!! My kids get stuck in the middle of every aisle.  That leaves me leaving my stroller at the end of an aisle and making a mad dash to check out that one bedding set that I have looked at online over and over to see if it really looks like the pic.  Side note #2:  It never does!)  I usually have one of two problems. 

                       1.  Anthony and Addison are NOT getting along
                       2.  Anthony and Addison ARE getting along.
 
First one is obvious.  Two 3 year old strapped in a side by side stroller kicking, punching, smacking, pinching, did I mention kicking?  Anthony loves to torment Addison and Addison loves to scream.  Great combination right? 
 
Second one is not so obvious.  Problem 2 leads to very loud laughter that sounds like someone is kicking, punching, smacking, and pinching.  Anthony loves to tickle sissy and make her laugh.  This sends Addison into uncontrollable high pitch laughter that starts out really loud and high and ends in a deep evil chuckle that comes from her pinkie toes.  If I get him to stop making her laugh she leans over and tickles him to get him to start up again.  So picture me in the middle of Kohls with my big ol stroller stuck in the middle of the rugs on both sides trying to lift up one side of the stroller off of the ground to get it unstuck and I have super loud laughter coming from the left hand side of the stroller induced by the right hand side of the stroller.  I have my pillow that I purchased at Burlington Coat Factory on top of the canopy trying to match up some colors along with my throw blanket I bought at Meijers that is now rolling off of the canopy because I am hiking up the stroller trying to get it unhooked from the rug that looked so beautiful when I walked by the aisle only to find out that it is REALLY not that attractive once you take it off of the shelf and lay it on the ground while your son is kicking you in the butt laughing as  your bent over looking down at the dumb rug.  The uncontrollable laughter has now turned to screaming because Anthony took the playing one step too far and bit Addison's arm.  I am now stuck behind the stroller can't get to the front to get to them to separate them unless I run high speed to the end of the aisle that I am in and go around the other side to get in front of them as they are now stuck propped up on the right side on top of the bathroom rugs that I was trying to make it over when I was trying to get out of the darn aisle in the first place because of the ugly rug that looks great folded up.  So now that I have completely set the scene with a long list of run on sentences that are a story within themselves as I type with Anthony trying to scale my torso so he can see what mommy is doing on the computer I will get to my point.  You better believe I stashed everything that I "thought" I wanted right into those rugs.  My apologies to anyone that reads that knows anyone that works at a Kohls.  To those of you that was in Kohls today to check out their bedding sale and happened to walk through the rugs disgusted at all of the random things placed in the rugs....well, that was me.  I am a mother of toddlers and I understand now more than ever!

Today Victoria started the day with an upset stomach that resulted in me being very happy I grabbed those barf bags at the Immediate Care when I was with James.  We headed back home for her to rest and I got the kids situation in their room quarentined with movie and steady flow of fresh toys and I headed outside with the monitor to dig in the shed.  Crissy was needing my bumble bee costume for a video at church.  I knew it was in the shed just didn't know where.  The thought of going in there is very scary.  Not sure if I would return.  :)  I needed the motivation to help out a friend to get my butt in there.

I have started stream lining the house since remodeling the kids rooms.  Still need to get a coat of paint in A & A's room but been going through everything and if it doesn't have a purpose it goes.  I emptied out 5 garbage bags just in our bathroom alone.  The lotions that you have to have but never use and now they are old and smell funny.  The bathroom looks so good now.  Can't wait to get my paintbrush rolling in there.

Since starting this post I have emptied out 13 storage tubs in the shed and made 5 trips to Goodwill.  My kids are still here I have not donated them.....yet;)

Take cover!

Mom and I took a trip out of the house today after church while my dad was taking a test online for work.  Anthony wanted to go with us so the three of us hopped in the car and took off.  After a trip to Walmart to make a deposit and Feeder Supply to check out the "pish" we walked to Kroger.  Anthony was hot stuff pushing the little cart for us.  It was the first time he got to do it and I was quite impressed with his driving abilities.  He only wiped out on shelf of medicine the whole trip.  He wouldn't let ANYONE touch the cart.  Even when I tried to put one finger on it to help guide him he wouldn't have any of it.  He would push my hand away and give me a firm look saying "MY CART!"

We wandered through the produce department and Anthony proud as a peacock was checking to see if the other shoppers were aware of how cool he was pushing his cart when all of a sudden he heard the thunder.  That is the warning that they are about to turn on the misters to water the produce.  Anthony stopped dead in his tracks when he heard the first clap. Then with the second he ducked down covered his ears left his cart at very high speeds and ran to me across the aisle yelling "We got to get outta here!"
My poor boy needs some courage.  I don't believe he is going to be a cop, fireman, Security,  or anything of that nature anytime soon.  Could you imagine? 

That's my boy!

Is there anything better than movie quotes?  Well, besides chocolate and processed cheese?  My boy is following in my footsteps quite well with this obsession.  I was sitting in the McDonalds drive thru waiting to pay.  The kids were all lined up in the back seat quite as church mice and I saw  Anthony turn to Victoria who was looking over his head out the window.  Straight faced he says, "What you ooking at ya Hockey Cuck?  (What are you looking at ya hockey puck?  Toy Story)  I couldn't be prouder!

Pics!!

Here are some pics of my birthday that I have been waiting to upload from Mom's camera.....

So glad Aunt Punkie could join us for the day!

Family Photo!  Addison was already over doing photos at this point and more concerned about the petting zoo.

Me and my girl by the pumpkin wagon.

Sliding with sissy my brave girl.

Picking out the perfect pumpkin.

"I don't understand some guy with a tractor dumps us out in a pumpkin field and drives off, and were suppose to be happy about this? Shouldn't we be a little concerned?"

After all of the grief I have given my mother for dropping food on her shirt she took a photo to prove again how much I am turning into her every day. 

The most beautiful wedding

The wedding was absolutely elegant.  Leslie looked like a cake topper and I was in tears while I did her hair.  I just couldn't believe that she was getting married and to such a sweetheart.  They are going to have an incredible life together.

I woke up at 5:30 to get the day started.  I had to get myself ready before I could make it to Shepardsville by 7:30 to do 7 heads of hair.  After that I needed to get to my house do 2 more updos on my little ones before I scooped them up in the car and headed to the church by 2 for pics.  It was a whirlwind!  Here are some pics....

Leslie and I waiting to get the show on the road.

checking out the view of her awesome self.  :)  She looked so pretty!

Addison listening to instructions before we left for the church.

The whole bridal party!  Such a fun group of girls!

Addison being so very lady like during the reception.

I entertained the flower girls while we waited for the wedding to start.  Nothing like a little storytime to keep the kids still.

Jam packed weekend!

What an amazingly beautiful and jam packed weekend we had.  James was unable to make it home this weekend and Mom was there to lend a hand.  God knows I needed it!  Friday was Leslie's wedding rehersal.  We had a blast, she looked amazing and I fell in love with Z oyster bar.  I could write a whole post about their scallops the size of your head.  I now need to take a moment of silence to think about them again.........Man they were amazing!!!

So ready for the wedding.  I am so excited for them.  What amazing couple they will be.