Sunday after church we headed up to Victoria's classroom to tell her of the news. Thank you Karen Dwelligan for the support and being there for Victoria as we told her. She didn't react much when she was told. James delievered the news and she just stared blankly. James gave her a hug and she held onto him. I got up out of my chair and asked if I could have a hug as well. She crawled over James and grabbed me very hard. I ended up knocking over because she was in such a hurry to get to me. Karen looked at James and said "looks like she wants mom". I asked for a moment with her alone and they left the room. As soon as the door shut Victoria began to cry. She apparently felt she needed to be strong in front of them and was embarrassed to cry. She only cried for about 2-3 minutes and then flipped her emotion switch and acted as though nothing had happened. Victoria's way of dealing with things is just shoving it down into the deepest part of her. I expressed to her that I noticed that she didn't want to cry around other people so when she is needing a minute to just let some of the sad feelings out or she is just wanting to talk about it to grab my hand and squeeze it 3 times and that will be our code for "I need to talk" then we can find someplace quiet to do that. She seemed to like that idea and has used it since. Please continue to pray for this fagile little heart.
I am so conflicted by all of this as I am sure you all know that keep up with this. There is so much to take in and so much to deal with. Struggling with the sense of relief for finality in this situation for so many people. We are not the only ones affected by choices made in the past. Thankful for the 3 years I have had with Victoria and struggling with the resentment that I have felt for those 3 years for having to raise her primarily alone. If I hadn't had these past 3 years I would be getting Victoria at age 7 and starting at square one with three more years of Tina's influence. Scared to go into that funeral home and be around the other people in her family. I have no clue what story they have about me or my home. I hope that everyone is civil and that everyone is allowed to mourn. Feel like I am walking into the pack of wolves. Hunter and Angel and the kids will be with me and they are in the same boat so I won't be alone. How will Victoria act when she sees her? I called the funeral home and asked about the service. I have never been to a funeral with a cremation. There will be an open casket so she will see Tina. How will I feel when I see her? I look back and the arguement that I started with James when he let her see Tina the last time right before our court date. I was livid that we has spent so much money to protect her and then let her see her and getting ready to go to court. Mad that was the first/only time she asked to see Victoria in two months since the last court date. Mad that the arguement led to a picture of the two of them being thrown away and now that is a momento of the last time she saw her mom and it is gone. Thinking about the time that she spent with supervised visitation in our home. How hard it was to allow her in our enviornment and now looking at that wondering if God used that time to show Tina that Victoria would be ok when she was gone. Questioning all of the court stuff. Why it even had to happen. What was God doing in all of that? Was that time to separate Victoria to make this final transition easier. I wonder if Tina had peace? Did she know God? Did she ask for forgiveness? Did she have remorse? Regret? She was alone when she died, how sad. (We were told that it was determined a heart attack) Where do we go from here? I am so thankful that this will be hopefully one of the last hard conversations Victoria will have to hear for quite some time. No more back and forth. No more walking on egg shells. No more searching for truth in every conversation. No more anxiety, fear, watching over my shoulder. No more of Victoria's oldest sister being threatened to keep her distance from us, withhold information, and pretend. No more being caught in the middle. Everyone can be without any backlash. It is time to heal for so many people. Thank you for listening to my unedited raw heart. I just needed to get this off of my chest before it eats me up. Prayers to those suffering and prayers for new beginnings.
No comments:
Post a Comment