I stand in awe tonight of God. I sat at home today after my sister visited for a bit and thought of a hundred reason why I should just stay at home and not go to the classes offered at church. It was too cold, I asked my friend Sarah to come and she couldn't make it, last class they offered I tried to go and only stayed for a short time and left because I was furious at Victoria's behavior ( I know shouldn't be furious at church let's just call it a weak moment) I was tired and didn't get my nap today, anyway I went not knowing the topic for tonight. The class I am taking is called ReAlign (ReAligning yourself to head towards God) and tonight's topic was families! How ironic right? I immediately felt myself start to tear up knowing that God had met me there tonight little did I know what he had in store for me.
I have notes scribbled all over both sides of a sheet of paper. There was a married couple teaching and everything that they said was so honest and open and such practical advice. I sat there listening and heard the wife say that she did family counseling, didn't think much of it and continued to jot down the golden words that were coming out of their mouths.
Let me give you a lil back story, I have spent the past 2-3 weeks searching for help with our situation at home. Marriage GREAT, relationship with God GREAT, handling my work load and handling raising a toddler with two infants NOT SO GREAT! With twins, the situation with Victoria's mom, (she is incarcerated possibly getting out in Dec.) an attention starved cat, and a wonderful loving and supportive husband , gone through the week, busting his butt on the road so that we can have a roof over our heads life can tend to get a lil shall we say hectic! I have made countless phone calls asking for help because I just do not know how to handle the situation with Victoria. Poor thing is just lost her mom is gone, she is moved out of her house to live with me and Daddy (but Daddy is gone through the week), when we first got custody of her I was pregnant and she was the center of my world it was just me and her (not at all the situation with her mom where her older sister was practically raising her or her raising herself) and now she has only seen Mommy a few times a few on a computer monitor in the jail lobby and one contact visit, and she now has to compete for attention with not one but two babies. It is such a strain on her and me. Some days are just a series of battles between her and I. I am just exhausted with the whole thing and I am stretched to my absolute limit. Balancing client's wants and needs in a salon, as surprisingly stressful as that can get, had nothing on parenthood.
So anyway back to my story. I am sitting there listening and it dawns on me who this woman is. This is the very first person that I spoke with about counseling. I was unable to use her because of the insurance co-pay was out of our budget. So I went on trying to find free certified counseling. Of all the reasons why I wouldn't want to go tonight to class, of all the classes to take that were offered, of all the possible people that could be teaching tonight, here I sit listening intently to advice from a woman that I had previously spoke with about my situation. I was very moved by how God orchestrates things in my life. Kind of like the comedian whose catch phrase is "here's your sign" I stayed after class to talk with her while fighting back tears. I introduced myself and explained that we had spoken in the past few weeks. She remembered me and the situation looked at me with my makeup free tear streaked face, bouncing a crying baby in my arms with one in a bouncy seat on the floor beside me and Victoria pulling on my coat and said well obviously God means for you and I to work together on this and told me about a program at church that helps with the cost of counseling and she will work with me to make it fit into the budget. I wanted to fall to the floor and sob.
I have been praying hard and I know that other have also about getting help. I kept running up against a brick financial wall or a resource wall and allowed myself to think that God wasn't hearing me only to find out like so many times before God was saying "Not yet" instead of "No". Trust him, pray and just wait, his timing not mine. Sounds very simple but at times very hard to do, but if you hang there the payoff is so magnificent! He reveals himself to you in ways that there is no mistaking his presence. My favorite bible verse has always been Jeremiah 29:11 for I know the plans I have for you. I just need to pay more attention to the "I's" in that first sentence. He is in control. He is God and I am not. I am going to head to bed now and hopefully for the first time in a while my brain is going to rest.
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